It’s a Slippery Slope

Ever answered the door to some unannounced company or the UPS man at 4pm wearing puked on clothes and and scrunchy from high school?

Happens to me ALL the time. ( Yet another reason I PASSIONATLY hate “drop ins”). This is never my plan- I don’t wake up each morning hoping to spend the day looking like homeless person and smelling like a prison cell. And yet… it would seem that I’ve let myself go.

It all starts out so innocent, wake up, feed the kids put on work out clothes. Take daughter potty, change diaper, turn on cartoons. Begin what I hope to be a 30 minute workout. About 10 minutes in (just as you’re wondering why no one had invented a sports bra for a jiggly, post baby tummy) you notice the baby is trying to eat dog food. While trying to extract said dog food from baby’s mouth baby pukes on you and carpet. Clean up baby and carpet, then this is where you make the first in a series of fateful decisions- you could go change your pants, but really you’re just working out, why bother. (see it’s a slippery slope)

When that’s done, you have to get everybody dressed and the baby down for a nap. By now, the puke’s mostly dried and you’ve probably forgotten about it. Now, if it’s a good day, you get a shower, and if it’s a really good day you might get to put on mascara. After the shower you do a quick risk/reward assessment (measuring the amount of time before you’re leaving the house and the need to wear real clothes against the possible risk of being puked/peed/spit/smuggered on) Chances are you put sweats back on, if the laundry’s done they might be clean, if not it’s probably the sweaty, puked on pair from before. ( A slippery slope I tell you).

From there it’s lunch, which invariably results in smeared PBJ, spilled apple juice and hodge podge of baby food. Then, on a good day, it’s naptime. Once you get the toddler to bed you start to rock the baby, fully intending to put him down once he’s asleep and clean up. BUT the minute the lights are out- so are you. And you wake up with a drool stain on your shirt in time to race the awake toddler to the potty. Depending on your reaction time and their aim, you may or may not spend the next 20 minute cleaning your bathroom and changing the sheets.

At this point, you’re probably starting to smell yourself and head to your room to clean up. But an altercation over elmo/baby bear/sleeping beauty distracts you and you spend the next half an hour, taking away said toy, enforcing a time out and soothing a baby.

And then, the door bell rings. It’s the schwans man/your mother in law/ friend from down the street and you have no choice but to answer the door, in your puked/spit/sweat stained clothes. (AUTHORS SIDE NOTE: anyone with a working phone should not “drop by”. You pay 100 dollars a month to always have phone service- get you moneys worth and give a girl a little advance notice). So you and your hot self now have to act normal and play hostess to your guest.

When they leave, you might be shamed enough to go change. But, if you’re me, you probably just count the day as a loss, and refuse to get a perfectly good outfit dirty this late in the day.

Hoping the next day will be better….

It probably won’t. I think I’m just gonna stop answering the door bell…